I Wrote a Programming Language and Now Im Responsible for It

January 15, 2026

I wrote a programming language. It’s called Blort. It’s terrible. I’m proud of it and also I’m sorry.

It started as a joke. A comment on a thread about esoteric languages. Someone said “how hard could it be?” and I, a fool with a terminal and too much time, decided to find out.

The Language

Blort is a dynamically typed, garbage-collected, interpreted language with syntax that I designed exclusively to upset people. Here’s Hello World:

yell "hello world" at the void

Every loop must use the keyword again:

count = 0
as long as count < 10 {
  yell count at the void
  count = count + 1
} again

The again is at the end. I did this specifically to confuse people who use other languages.

Functions are declared with spell:

spell add(a, b) {
  give back a + b
}

“give back” instead of “return.” Because I thought it was funny.

The Adoption

Nobody uses Blort. And when I say nobody, I mean nobody. The GitHub repo has 3 stars. Two of them are mine. The third is a bot that stars every repo with “language” in the description.

Despite this, I still maintain it. I fix bugs. I update dependencies. I respond to issues (there have been 2, both of them spam). I am a steward of a language that exists solely because I thought “yell at the void” was funny.

And the worst part? I still think it’s funny.

The Existential Question

Last week I spent four hours debugging a segfault in the garbage collector. Four hours. For a language that nobody uses. I could have been doing literally anything else. I could have learned a real skill. I could have called my mother.

Instead I sat in the dark muttering “stop the world” under my breath while tracing memory allocations in a language named after a sound a cartoon character makes when they fall down.

I don’t know why I do this. But I can’t stop.

The language is open source, by the way. If you want to contribute. Or, you know, use it. I won’t hold my breath. But the repo is there. Waiting. Like me.

Moral of the story: The easiest way to make a terrible programming language is to make it yourself.